“Love, Money, and the Dating Game: Navigating Kenya’s Modern Romance Landscape”
It is a common joke among young Kenyan men that just expressing interest in a girl puts them in debt. This expression stems from the fact that young women in Kenya often expect their men or potential partners to be financially stable. Proof of financial stability includes taking them out on expensive dates, buying gifts, and giving cash handouts. This phenomenon has greatly disadvantaged young men who, in most cases, are unemployed and thus financially unstable. As a result, it is common to find young women who have a regular boyfriend for social status and a sugar daddy (sponsor/mubaba) who finances their lifestyle, expensive apartments, and cars.
While this is the current romantic environment in Kenya, there is a growing wave of feminism as well. Feminists present themselves as self-reliant women who do not need a man to live their chosen lifestyle. In other words, they assert that relationships should not be grounded in the man’s ability to provide but should be based on equality. While this wave is openly expressed and seems like a sigh of relief for young men, the reality is that it is just words. Often, the women who project these beliefs are older and outside the dating range or socioeconomic circle of young men.
Therefore, an average Kenyan girl expects to be financially taken care of by whoever they are dating, and so does an average Kenyan man who expects to take on that responsibility. These expectations, while seeming modern, are very traditional in the cultural context. The man, just like in the old days, is still considered the breadwinner even though the woman may be working or making more than the man. “His money is our money, my money is mine,” as they say.
Feminists advocate for self-reliance, challenging the notion that relationships should hinge on a man’s financial prowess.
Assuming a man overcomes the financial hurdles of young adulthood and secures a decent-paying job, new questions arise. What are the expectations for him? Can a man with the means to support multiple women remain faithful to one? The debate intensifies as women express a desire for a traditional African man who assumes financial responsibility.
He can now take care of any girl he likes financially. Can this man be faithful to one woman? Perhaps this is where the debate gets hotter. The woman wants a traditional African man in the context of taking financial responsibility for the relationship because she will, of course, not entertain the idea of a polygamous one. But sometimes you might be surprised; they don’t care about getting into a polygamous or an ambiguous relationship as long as the payout is worth it. A celebrated and modern-day embodiment of an ‘independent’ Kenyan woman, Carolyne Mutoko, was a known girlfriend to the deceased Senator Mutula Kilonzo, a married man.
For many young men in love, the odds are stacked against them, particularly those facing financial challenges. This sets a precedent, suggesting that financial means can unlock desires. As men achieve economic stability, they seek to compensate for what they missed out on, leading to late nights in local drinking joints or supporting mistresses in leafy suburbs of Nairobi. While this phenomenon isn’t exclusive to Kenya and is mirrored in many African countries and even the United States, where wealthy men may have multiple mistresses or baby mamas, the saying goes, “It’s better to be cheated on by a rich man because, at least, you’ll cry on a yacht.”
